Prelude: The Importance of Being Like Earnestine

 

She was a rare beauty both inside and out. 

And when I met her, I just knew in the meeting of her - in that moment - that my life would forever be changed by her. 

And I don’t know HOW I knew that. But I just did. 

She was magic and she was fire and she was grace and she was love. 

I was sent to where she was and since I was on a mission to find TheTruth, I went where “they” sent me.  And they sent me to Earnestine. Before I Ieft, Bobbi said: “Find Earnestine when you get there - tell her I said hi but that they’re doing me dirty like she said they would - but tell her not to worry- that I’m gonna be okay…” 

I took one last long appraising look at Bobbi and I wondered if that would turn out to be true.  For her sake, I hope that it did 

…but my mind was plagued with doubts about that. 

Upon my arrival and “asking for Earnestine” a surly and overly rotund woman demanded: “What you want with her for?” 

I replied: “I have a message from Bobbi.”

Suddenly, I had most of the people’s attention as everyone went quiet and <palpably> just stared at me. 

And then a woman emerged from among the crowd introducing herself as Earnestine, and looking so shockingly young and uncommonly beautiful, that she literally took my breath away.  It’s not often that mere PHYSICAL beauty impresses me; for I am living proof that one day you look like a young Elizabeth Taylor and the next time you look in the mirror and it seems there remains only laugh lines from decades of living decadently and now, seemingly, fraught wrinkles from these past few years - of living dangerously determined to have my truth be known by all.

But from the moment I met Earnestine, I sensed there was something very different, very uncommon and very <urgently special> about her.  It was the way that she carried herself - in her countenance - with her perfectly erect spine like that of a classically trained, elegant ballerina; but yet with the air of humility about her, as well, that first caught my attention. She approached me and, to my stunned shock, she hugged me - the kind of long, sweet hug that says “you are welcome in my heart.”   

Well, that’s certainly unexpected, coming from someone you do not even yet know…

“You got word from Bobbi?” she inquired softly

I replied: “Yes, she told me to tell you that she’s ok, but they’re doing her dirty like you said - but she said to tell you that she’s gonna be okay.” (I had only a partial idea of what this “coded message” meant, but I would learn the full truth of it a month later…) 

Earnestine’s face fell, almost imperceptibly with a flash of worry, but was immediately covered by a beaming smile and she said: “I’m so very glad to hear that she will be okay. Now, come tell me all about you and let me introduce you to my friends…”

And just like that, “Ernie” (as all of her friends called her) had her arm linked through mine as she went about introducing me to her friends saying: “She’s cool, y’all, so be cool. Ok. No funny stuff.” 

Why was this woman I just met vouching for me to all of these total strangers for me? I would later learn that it was just her way.  She looked out for ALL people -literally everyone - and never wanted to see anything bad happen to ANYONE.  

How uncommon of a person is that? 

Where I come from - it’s nearly nonexistent these days.  

But as for me personally?  I never got into the habit of calling her “Ernie” because it seemed to me, in some low-key way, to “diminish” just how beautiful her name actually was (I had never even heard the name Earnestine before meeting her that day) and it also took away something from her natural feminine beauty, too.  “Ernie” sounded like a boy's name to me and, in my mind, she was far too much an “enchanting and elegant EARNESTINE” to be reduced to a boy’s name. So, I personally always call her Earnestine.  

Earnestine told me how she met Bobbi and that she was worried about her because she had already had so many bad things happen to her. I told her that, to me, Bobbi seemed tough on the outside, but like a child who still needed a loving mother to guide her to adulthood on the inside and that she was no doubt probably internally more worried than she had let on to me.  Earnestine suddenly looked at me longways and with an appraising eye said: “I knew I loved you the moment I saw you. And now I know why. You have him in your heart.  I do, too….” 

Him? 

Who him? 

I had not dated in over 10 years since my husband died - nor did I want to -and I had no idea who she was speaking of until she replied simply: 

“You got the light of Jesus in you, girl. I could see it  - but now I <know> that it is there because I can feel it emanating from you, too.” 

Oh, no see, me and God? We had parted ways some 30 years earlier, I told her. Twelve years of Catholic education had turned me into a confused agnostic who was left largely AFRAID of “God” and with no real understanding of Christianity at all.  

Earnestine replied: “Oh, parochial, so you’re a rich girl. I could tell - the minute I saw you - I knew you weren’t like the rest of us here.” 

I rushed to correct her: “No, it’s not like that. I’m not trying to say anything - just that I left God decades ago; and then, more recently, when I called to Him in a moment of crisis - when my father was dying 2 years earlier - and not only did He not SAVE my father - He seemed to fully rebuke me thereafter by making full ruin of my life in the aftermath of my father’s death - we had a REAL falling out then…”

And to be fair, I suppose I had it coming - that whole wrecked life thing. I had lived, what I now realize,  was a perfectly charmed life of ease and privilege for 50 years and I never wanted for anything. I never had anything but GOOD, KIND men in my life in terms of my Dad and any romantic relationships and my legal education had secured a life of affluence that I just simply always took for granted. 

Every. Single. Day. For 50 years. 

I had a decades-long, intellectually satisfying career in the law - which I abruptly left to care for my father, full-time, after he suffered a stroke in 2009.  And I had no regrets about that choice.  As I began to, again, be lost in the memories of my father, Earnestine pulled me back to the present with her warm conversation:

“Nah, man. It’s cool. It’s not like that. I just meant - you know what “parochial school” <means> in St. Louis. It means you sure aint where my friends and I come from - but that’s OK. God makes all kinds.  And you can’t stay mad at God forever, girl.  Are you still mad at Him - you know over your Dad and all that - or did you diligently seek Him again at some point after that happened?”

Say what? Diligently seek? Where did that come from? 

(Turns out - it’s in The Bible - which the Catholics encouraged us to NEVER read and, instead, simply TOLD us to believe what they claim it said. 

But I would not learn this fact for some time after this conversation with Earnestine…)

I replied flatly: “Yeah, no - given all that’s happened I have to assume that if there IS a God, He clearly hates me - I mean look around us…” 

And immediately Earnestine said: “What do you mean? God is ALL AROUND US.  He’s in almost every person here and He’s definitely in you, girl…”

I decided not to <argue> my adamant agnosticism with her at the time because there was so much else I wanted to know about her.  So over the next several days, she told me about her life. When she found out I was staying near Springfield, IL she was ecstatic.  She told me that she loved that town so much because the true love of her life lived there.  And then rather sadly she said: “Because, you know, the way life is, friend - there’s the person we marry and then there’s the person our heart will always still love, right?” 

“Well, I suppose that’s true for many people,” I admitted. 

“Oh, did you get to marry the love of your life? That’s really rare. Good for you. Because usually you know how it goes: right person, wrong time then right time but the wrong person comes along to interfere…” her voice trailed. 

She then told me that she was married to a minister (ah, that explained her faith in God!) but that she left her heart in Springfield IL with the man she truly loved.

She then said sadly: “Maybe someday I come stay with you and we go look for him, you think?” I said “Sure - but what about your husband - you mentioned you married someone else?” 

She looked off into the middle distance and said: “You know, sometimes God sends you someone BETTER than what you want for yourself. God knows best what we need, right? So He sent me a TRUE gentleman - one who literally worships the ground that I walk upon. And my wedding day was most definitely the happiest day of my life. He’s so good to me and he’s so good FOR me and I have told myself that that has got to be enough, right?” 

She said this as if she was waiting for me to convince her that she had married “the right and good man” instead of the man her heart clearly still longed for - because the heart wants what the heart wants, right?

She told me that her husband’s name was Allen and that he had his own church and she loved being his wife. He was a gourmet cook who spoiled her with the most lavish home cooked dinners. She told me he gave her nightly massages when she came home from work and that he loved and cared for her in a way that she had not yet quite convinced herself that she was <worthy> of  - in spite of being married to him for almost 4 years. 

I immediately said: “Oh, but Earnestine, you are so worthy of that love.  Everyone deserves that one person who will treat them with such great love and gentleness.  You have to see that you are good enough and deserving of such love.” She shrugged and just shook her head sadly. 

I was struck by her raw honesty and her ease with being so emotionally open with another person - especially one she had met only a few days prior.  But that’s Earnestine - pure, loving, open, true and real - to all.  Because that’s what I noticed about her most after noting her jarring physical beauty: Earnestine just immediately loved EVERYONE with the true Christlike love that Jesus taught us to have for one another. She cared for the older folks in her community, the younger ones who needed guidance and neither age nor race nor sexual orientation nor any of that mattered to her.  In her mind, she was here to just love everyone unconditionally.  

Earnestine was a rare beacon of light in this dark world of ours.     

And I have to admit, in my private time spent away from Earnestine, I suddenly started wondering about that Jesus guy she was always talking about.  How did He teach her to be so instantly welcoming and loving to all, regardless of who they were or where they came from - and how did she just seemingly <exude> love? Just pure love for EVERYONE…?

Maybe the Catholics had REALLY messed up and failed to teach about the IMPORTANT things about Jesus.  Because all I remember was them beating into our brains with rote memorization was a bunch of meaningless prayers that were actually unbiblical and useless to me - and that Jesus died for us so none of us would ever be worthy or good enough to meet His exacting standards. 

THAT is what 12 years of Catholic education GAVE TO ME. 

So - if you’re in St. Louis reading this and your kid goes to Catholic school - maybe check in on what that school is and is NOT teaching your kid.  Because my parents just always assumed we were being taught everything we needed to learn as evidenced by the fact that my sister and I were A/B students.  Clearly, things were very amiss at MY parochial school. 

Over the course of the next several weeks, I would sit with Earnestine and just talk with her.  She liked to play cards but I told her I didn’t play.  She looked at me and said: “Seriously, who doesn’t play cards?” I just shrugged.  She then began this “routine” of having me read The Bible to her while she played Solitaire.  She told me she loved hearing me read to her as it reminded her of simpler times and better days. And honestly, that was OK by me, because I had never actually <read> The Bible so this was all new to me and quite interesting.  And so often, while I was reading, Earnestine would interject things she had been taught in her own church growing up or from her pastor husband about what certain things meant and how they translated to our current lives now and she just always insisted that God was all around us.    

I gave her a raised eyebrow to that bit and said soberly: “I just don’t sense that. For how could He have allowed what happened to me to happen if He is as near to me as you claim?” She replied simply: “God doesn’t bring you to it, if He doesn’t have a plan to get you through it. Trust that He has a plan, friend - because He does.  He always does.” 

And thus and so, that was the story of how Earnestine and I met and became dear friends.

But then one day she came around and I had a terrible headache- blinding with pain. I asked Earnestine if she could read something from The Bible to me to take my mind off the searing pain.

And she suddenly went real quiet and real strange on me and I softly said “Earnestine - what is it?”

And she looked at me with shame-filled tears 😭 in her eyes and she said:

“I don’t know how to read. I never learned.”

Oh. My. God.

I immediately felt like the worst person in the world.

I had no idea…

She had such a large vocabulary for someone I now realize was fully failed by St. Louis Public Schools.

And I told her not to worry - that from that day forward - I would teach her to read.

She hugged me and said: “That would mean the world to me.”

And Earnestine was just ALWAYS surrounded by people. Her friends seemed to be endless.  And I reckon that when you treat people as gently and lovingly as Earnestine did, you likely naturally attract a long list of people wanting to be your friend.  At this time in February 2020, I had my one true, good friend named Elisha who is loyal as the day is long; and a handful of other females who I called my friends - but they weren’t really GENUINE friends. They were “happy hour girlfriends” and not the kind of women who come rock you through the night if you are suddenly stricken with an unrelenting panic attack or the darkness of grief that just won’t lift. They were “good time gals” and not so much “be there for ya pals” and, as it turns out, that REALLY matters when calamity falls upon your life…

Earnestine was the “rock you and comfort you and talk you through it type of friend” - which is what made her so exceedingly rare and magnificent to me. Anguish and traumatic pain were no stranger to her so she somehow always knew just what to say to walk you back from self-defeating negativity back into the light - the light of her love - and the hope of a better tomorrow.  This fully fallen world of ours sure could use about a million more Earnestines…

But I have come to learn that there is truly only one Earnestine.       

And the things I want you to know most about Earnestine are this: that she felt ugly despite being stunningly beautiful, she felt unworthy of love despite loving everyone. She felt stupid for being illiterate despite being so very smart and brave. She laughed easily and she was always the first to start dancing if she heard music or someone started singing. She was a believer in God and was someone who quoted her Bible daily. She was whimsy and she was magical with a little bit of “good trouble mischief about her sometimes” which just made her all the more endearing to me.  Because the people who are willing to stand up and fight for others simply because it is the right and the just thing to do - when you find those folks in this life - you best hold onto them with a relentless grip for those people make ALL THE DIFFERENCE in this life. For it is people like Earnestine with her infinite capacity to love and to stand up for others that give meaning and truth to an otherwise indifferent Universe.   

And with her trademark countenance of humble elegance - she was pure beauty in motion.  She was the first to help someone and always the last in line to receive - intentionally. She had many traumas in her younger life that too many people never bothered to inquire about - yet she was hopelessly optimistic - and so full of love.

There is a Scripture that is one of my favorites precisely because it reminds me of Earnestine - because it describes her perfectly.  It is in the Book of Philippians:

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 

That is EVERYTHING Earnestine was.

I knew Earnestine for exactly 2 months. 

And then she risked her life to save my mine.   

And then they killed her.  

Who is “they” you ask?

Answer: The City of St. Louis, State of Missouri.

WHY did they do it? 

Because I was their intended target all along and Earnestine was both an inconvenient human shield always hovering around me AND a living witness to my truths. 

And because when you’re a threat (for knowing that which you should not know - things I never asked to be the burden-bearer in knowing) - you will always be their target.  

And because vengeance via extrajudicial violence is their only language in the City of St. Louis Legal Machine. 

Dear friends in St. Louis: Do you not know that St. Louis has become nothing more than the Gateway to dirty deals and sinister secrets at the highest levels of government? 

And they will absolutely kill to keep those secrets - well…secret. 🤷‍♀️

But I’m the one they tried to kill…but who lived to tell...by the grace of God.  

Are you ready to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God? 

Are you sure? 

Let me give a *General Trigger Warning* and state that most of you are fully unprepared to handle this truth. 

I know that I sure was.  

    

But if you’re sure that you want to know these things about your City…then let’s do this…but remember: these are things that once you KNOW them, you cannot then UN-know them…  

For every day I wish that I could go back - back to before I knew everything I now know. Back to when I could pretend, like you do, that everything was, at least, OK in St. Louis - even though it didn’t <feel> OK -  at my gut instinct level.  In my gut I <knew> it was off. And so do you - if you’re honest. 

And it’s that gut instinct, that survival instinct that will truly inform and guide you EVERY time, isn’t it? 

Where did I meet Earnestine? 

In the most unlikely of places for me to ever be… 

In the two most lethal jails in the Midwest known as the City Justice Center and MSI in Winter 2020. 

I was there due to a malicious prosecution against me by the City of St. Louis.  And in so many ways, so was Earnestine - but for very different reasons.  Because although they try with people like Earnestine, St.Louis simply cannot <prosecute> its way out of the Fentanyl crisis currently destroying our Country. But punitive prosecution is their only known tool in STL - which is why the problem just keeps getting worse and never better. 

Does it make you identify with Earnestine LESS to learn that she was addicted and suffering from lifelong substance use disorder (addiction) due to cumulative traumas AT THAT VERY JAIL - beginning at a young age - traumas she just <could not> process with no mental health services available to poverty populations in Missouri? 

She deserved so much better than to just be caged without medical intervention whenever she was first popped for possession as a teen.  But <caging poor people> is all that City knows and that TRUTH is born out by the fact that the jail population under the new CAO Gabe Gore was at or near 1,000 detainees on January 1, 2024 - far in excess of the actual safe capacity for that jail to hold so many people. And ALL persons being detained there are POVERTY defendants. 

Because the rich never see the inside of City Justice Center.

They pay fines to escape accountability. But the poor and largely BIPOC folks of St. Louis experiencing homelessness, substance use disorder and mental anguish - they pay with their bones and their flesh - inside that lethal jail.

For there are indeed two very different systems of justice in St. Louis, MO. 

And when their only tool is a hammer, every person suffering from unmet basic needs in the spiraling “social crises” in STL is treated by that City as an unwanted nail - to be beaten down, and then discarded.  

And they shouldn’t just get to extrajudicially MURDER people with depraved indifference in St. Louis governance - and just get away with it.  

But they do. 

I will never regret everything that had to happen in order for my path to cross with Earnestine’s. 

Not ever. 

Because sometimes we have to go to the most ugly places in order to meet the most beautiful people. 

And Earnestine changed my life irrevocably in ways that STILL seem hard for me to imagine even sitting here today. 

She made me befriend God again and my life since then has been so indescribably blessed - that it is hard for me to put it into words for you. 

But I do gravely regret that they murdered Earnestine and they just got away with it. 

And I wish more people in St. Louis would start DEMANDING to know: How many more people have they done this to - and gotten away with it: In secret. In the dark. In collusion together in their criminal, Legal System Cartel in St. Louis?

The answer: Far too many more.  

And as for me? Someone else’s evil malevolence against me put me there in that jail.  

But God saved me from that pit, and their death grip on me - and He delivered me from their evil.  

But that evil still persists and is relentlessly STILL determined to permanently silence me, too, each and every day… 

But one of my favorite quotes by Dietrich Bonhoeffer says: “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil; God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak - is to speak. Not to act, is to act.”

And the only way for evil to persist is for good people of good conscience to see that evil, know of that evil - and do NOTHING in response.  My court-mandated silence is their super power - so I will empower them no more - come what may of me.  For I have decided THIS is worth taking a moral stand over. 

And if I perish, I perish.  🤷‍♀️

But you folks who are free to speak about this evil happening all around you in that City - and you say NOTHING, instead? 

You should know this: you just empower and embolden them with YOUR silence, too.   

So, now, dear people of St. Louis, I want to ask you for your help: to deliver us from every evil that the City is hiding in plain sight - and that it is hiding behind concrete walls at CJC and behind their WALL OF INTRANSIGENT CORRUPTION - by the lying leaders of that City. I did not come forward before now because I honestly thought not ENOUGH good people of good conscience ACTUALLY CARE about all of these horrible things happening in St. Louis. 

And then you all came out in a SHOW OF FORCE at the recent Safety Meeting on January 8, 2024 - so much so that the overflow room was overflowed into another room and the hallway…shock and awe indeed for you folks fully shocked and awed me.

Bravo, STL 💯🔥👏👏⚖️😍🥳🥳🥳👏⚖️💯

And with that from all of you - I knew that it was time…

Time for me to add my voice to yours and together we DEMAND change from the leadership in St. Louis who is so catastrophically failing all of us.  

I am here to tell you the truth - and truthfully answer every question you have about so very many things SO TERRIBLY WRONG in St. Louis City right now. 

And the truth will be their kryptonite.       

Let’s go….