CHAPTER 5: Home at Last with a Marine, a Mutt and (Unplanned) Marital Mayhem

 CHAPTER 5:  HOME AT LAST WITH A MARINE, A MUTT AND (UNPLANNED) MARITAL MAYHEM 

Most people when they hear even 10% of the story of what happened to me during the Pandemic say some variation of this sentiment: “I don’t know how you survived? I would have just quit or been catatonic in a corner somewhere…” 

No you would not.  Well - not most of you would not have just “quit” or otherwise surrendered to the certain death that cumulative traumas often cause.  How do I know this ? Because I survived. And you’d be surprised how strong and filled with perseverance you can be when being strong and persistent is your only option.

I had survived the often lethal outcome of: first-time homelessness experience in Illinois, the janky for-profit Medicaid nursing homes scam system existing in Illinois, and the damaging mental health system that is so dangerously broken in Illinois (and America.) And then realized, much to my horror, that IF I wanted to heal both medically from a nearly fatal bout of COVID in 3/2020 and the lasting effects of that + plus an assault that caused 9 different injuries/disabilities in 2/2020 AND heal from the emotional distress from an ongoing stalker and the resulting PTSD, I was going to have to fix it all by myself - ALL ON MY OWN- and, most importantly, outside ALL OF THESE FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN SYSTEMS IN Illinois -if I actually wanted to stay alive through all of this.  

Because make no mistake about it: the private equity firms and the (allegedly) NOT FOR PROFIT nonprofits all grifting off the government teat while profiting off of poor people’s lives in Illinois - they WILL KILL YOU if given half the chance.   That much I had discerned already. 

So after my Winter 2021 of medical recovery and emotional healing where I worked outside “the system” to actually GET WELL, all via various private providers while living in a handicapped suite at an area hotel, Winter then eventually turned to Spring.  And, sadly, the hotel where I rehabbed and recovered was in full-tilt free-fall into certain bankruptcy after Manager Jonathan left for his dream job in Hawaii. The new low-rent miscreant, untrained hotel staff led by an incompetent 17 year old “new manager” allowed the full-tilt robbery of anyone staying there and I was forced to leave. There was seemingly no path forward.

What now? No money, no options and seemingly no hope. 

In my (newfound) experience of facing uncommon adversity after a lifetime of a nearly perfect, charmed existence, I learned that it is in these moments of impossibility, if you don’t quit, life has a way of sending us “tender mercies” in the throes of a seeming certain defeat.   

What do you do with no money and no options? I <might have quit> because let’s face it: just trying to NOT DIE in America should not be SO HARD. But I kept recalling the wise words my Army Daddy always taught me: “Losers quit when they fail; winners fail until they win.”  Also, he had a beloved poem that always hung in our condo in the living room which was the poem by Edgar Albert Guest entitled “Don’t Quit”:

   

So, Pandemic Year 2020 had given me a crash course in just how broken the State of Illinois is for everyone who is not in the millionaire/billionaire class as our Governor is.   And Winter 2021 thereafter informed my observations and lived experience with data and evidence to back up my testimony that all of these systems are BROKEN-BY-DESIGN and not actually intended to help anyone ever.  Because so long as people remain unhoused and unhelped by all of this governmental grift and waste, the private equity and nonprofit profiteers will be awarded more millions to allegedly help the people; yet, they only ever help themselves to bigger bonuses and paychecks.  There is no TRICKLE DOWN to the people in need in these systems.  So, please, HEAR ME ON THIS: If left to the State of Illinois Housing System, I would have never found any housing again.  That remains as tragically true today in May 2023 as it was in March 2021.      

So, just as things were medically improved for me and my nutritional access was better because of the Pandemic Mobile Nurses who visited me from SIU, my “hotel housing” fell apart.  Things were dire and I saw no safe path forward.  I wish I could convey to you how triggering and retraumatizing it is to lose even “temporary housing” like a hotel that helped you feel safe, looked after and included in the fabric of the Community - if even only tangentially.

But then, just like that, a miracle happened.  My Biden Stimulus Check arrived in the mail so I had money to pay for rent somewhere.  

But where? I did NOT and COULD NOT face the possibility of being alone in a creepy, empty display apartment with another monstrous male landlord to sign a proper, year lease - and nor did I have the money to do so.  And let’s face it - landlords are almost ALWAYS male. Also, though, because the Fair Housing rules require you have 3x rent in income and the average rent at this point in 2021 in Springfield IL was $800- I was shut out of any traditional housing anyway.  Because to be clear, I had ZERO income - except for my one-off Biden Bucks stimmy check.  So, a monthly room rental seemed like my only real option - and a short-term one at that if I did not find something VERY affordable.   

And then, just like that, I was talking to someone who I happened to bump into at the local Hyvee Grocery store who I recognized from Destiny Church in Springfield IL - and he mentioned that he was looking for a “strictly platonic roommate” to help share living expenses etc.  He was a senior citizen in his mid-60s and a recent widower.  His name was Gideon.   

Because of the nightmare experience I had endured at the hands of that MALE psychopathic slumlord in St. Louis, I did have some hesitation with this proposed living situation.  But my inner discernment was telling me to “at least give him a chance.”  Besides, he wanted to split living expenses since he had lost the income of his deceased wife and I was eager to make my Biden Bucks cover as much as possible of FUTURE housing for me.  And I knew all of those alleged “rapid rehousing experts” would accomplish exactly ZERO on my behalf, for I had read a thousand similar horror stories on Reddit by now about how they effectively rehouse no one EVER - but they will sure put you on a 10 year waiting list hoping you die by then.  

And I also knew that while change can be frightening, avoiding change and remaining “stuck” marinating in the anxiety of “what if” is just as likely to get you killed.  For bad things tend to  happen in the hesitation - the failure to act - rather than in acting to do the next reasonable thing.  And instead of focusing on the negative of “what if it all goes wrong?” instead redirect your focus towards “just imagine what if it goes well?”      

And thus and so I met Gideon for dinner - I brought some carryout meals from the local market - and we sat and chatted awhile in his kitchen.  I viewed his room for rent and everything seemed just fine.

I had no alarm bells going off as I had when I first met that freak of a leechlord in STL - and then opted to disregard that lifesaving gut instinct we all have that tells us instinctively *DANGER* about someone or something - all to my own grave detriment back then. By contrast, Gideon was quiet, polite and respectful. And also: that other horrible experience was in the past and this was NOW and I could not make ALL MEN pay for the sins of one horrible, depraved psychopath.  That was not fair - to them or me.  

Additionally, Gideon’s all-inclusive rent of $500/mth included a bonus Pommeranian named Buddy. I had never lived with a dog before - as I had always been owned by cats.  But Buddy instantly melted my heart. Pomeranians are that type of adorable dog that always looks like they are smiling and so happy.  I kept sneaking Buddy some of my meatloaf during dinner so by the time dessert rolled around, Buddy was fast asleep in my lap.  Instant friend indeed.  Gideon called him a “mutt” because he wasn’t the purebred pomeranian he had wanted when he adopted Buddy.  But - to me? Buddy was just madly fabulous for so many reasons and was more REAL POMERANIAN than any purebred could ever hope to be.    

And thus and so, I moved in with Gideon and Buddy that next afternoon and it honestly seemed too good to be true.  Gideon was a kind but obviously still grief-stricken man who, in moments of raw honesty, admitted to me that he was still deeply bereft over the sudden and unexpected death of his wife of three decades.  She had come home from work about a year prior as a nurse to the disabled and was really tired and sore so she decided to take a bath.  Gideon decided to fix a nice dinner for her complete with wine and flowers picked from their yard. After what seemed like an overly long bath, Gideon went to ask her if she wanted some wine in the bath with her and she was just….gone. Dead of a silent heart attack.  Her life just ended that day and there’s nothing much else to say in situations like that.  

There’s a favorite song of mine by Donna Taggert called “Jealous of the Angels” and one of the lines in that song is: “It’s not my place to question, only God knows why; but I’m just jealous of the angels around the throne (with you) tonight.”  Whenever I encounter situations like the one with my Dad’s sudden passing or Gideon’s sudden and unexpected loss of his wife, I always think of that song.  Give it a listen to the song if you like sometime but understand that it’s a real tear-jerker if you’ve recently lost someone close to you.    

Gideon grieved her death deeply and I began to notice that he was not really processing the trauma of her death: how he had found her, how he REFUSED to go near - or let anyone else near - that bathtub or bathroom, and how sometimes he just cried uncontrollably for hours over the loss of her - a full year later.  I was concerned for Gideon.  He had not returned to work as a truck driver since her death and most days he just sat depressed in his recliner eating sugar and getting angrier and angrier at the state of the World on the 24/7 news cycle. I was becoming increasingly worried for him over this only because if anyone knows how unprocessed “traumatic grief” can wreck your life - trust me when I tell you - that would be me.   So I naturally worried about him…

I was also still grieving the loss of my Dad (internally) AND every year, April also marks the memorial of the entirely preventable murder of a dear friend of mine named Ernestine.  (You will hear more about her and how magical and truly beautiful of a light she was in this life in a later chapter.)  So, in that sense I suppose, Gideon and I were a good match that Spring 2021.  His wife had died about a year prior and so had my friend Ernestine and my Dad a year before that so I could certainly relate to what he was going through...  

Yet I was determined to be a pair of strong shoulders for Gideon to feel like he could lean on/cry on, if needed etc.  I also tried to distract him from his big bucket of sadness (so the barren aching of it all didn’t swallow him up whole) by suggesting outings in an effort to try and get him out of the house and away from focusing ONLY on the daily news cycle  - which seemed to enrage him to an alarming degree. Instead, I tried to get him to redirect his focus on fun things and positive experiences.  For I personally knew, only all too well, how easy it is to lose yourself entirely in the abyss of grief.  And I saw in Gideon a man who had much to still live for and be grateful for in his life.  He had a lovely, modest two bedroom home that he owned outright.  He had his uber-adorable Buddy to laugh at as he bounced off the walls in the house with his contagious, happy energy.  In fact, days often went by when I would suddenly realize that I had not thought about my own big bucket of buried grief because of all the joy that Buddy brought to my life. 

Gideon was an expert dog trainer so Buddy was generally very well behaved.  I never really “bonded” with dogs previously because I always had friends who had fully untrained and unmanageable constantly barking dogs.  Buddy was nothing like that at all.  In fact, Buddy only barked if someone whose car he did not recognize (think pizza delivery guys etc) pulled into the driveway.  Otherwise, he really wasn’t a barker. He was a calm, loyal, beautiful and regal creature who often made me laugh in a way I had not since my Dad died - all because of his silly pupper antics on the daily.  We would play chase and keep-away in the house wherein Buddy “won” and trounced me every time.  I don’t know if you’ve ever laughed WITH a dog or had one bounce to your eye-height when you return home each day because they are so happy to see you, but I am here to tell you it is a healing salve to a shattered heart like few other things are in this life.  

     Gideon and I also would often take Buddy to the park or go walking through the local nature preserve with Buddy in nearby Sherman IL or go junking at flea markets and thrift shops.  April soon became May and May soon ceded to Summer and June 2021. By that time, we all had settled into a comfortable routine of looking after each other, cleaning the house together and taking care of the yard, and having dinner together most nights.  It was SO AMAZING to finally have a full kitchen I could finally cook in again and Gideon was only too happy to have home-cooked meals again.  

It was during June 2021 that I first attempted to write my FIRST DRAFT of this Memoir during the evenings after dinner when Gideon fell asleep watching television.  I have never been much of a TV watcher so that worked out fine for both of us.  But I simply could not write this book back then; for it would take another FULL YEAR for me to fully comprehend the full-tilt rot within the Illinois government as it applies to leaving vulnerable people to languish and die during a Pandemic; and also, to learn that in so many ways the dystopian dysfunctional state of Illinois is but a microcosm of our slo-mo collapsing Country - for those most in need of help.  Oh - but the corporations, millionaires and billionaires? They made out like bandits during this Pandemic with price-gouging and manufactured shortages - so don’t you worry about them. Worry about your isolated elderly neighbor who just spent the Winter in a frozen house unable to afford heat or food….  

I obviously loved my father dearly; but my father was a book smarts man.  He always quipped that if science had been waiting on him to invent something we’d still be waiting on the wheel.  He was book smart and college smart whereas Gideon was “know how to fix things smart” which, turns out - was really an amazing blessing. He showed me how to do so many different things and taught me so many different things about Country living and I truly thrived there.  I learned that eggs are different colors based on the hens that lay them.  I learned that butter can be kept out on the counter and does not need to be kept permanently refrigerated which renders it always too cold and bread-ruining, in my opinion.  I learned how to safely start a fire (should I ever need that skill) and I learned how to safely burn trash out in the rural country. 

Gideon was also enraged by the story of the psychopathic lunatic landlord from STL and INSISTED that I learn self-defense.  I went to a local class taught by a friend of his who was a Jitsu Master.  After that, Gideon taught me how to properly use and clean his gun which was a Glock - should I never need to use it on an intruder when he wasn’t home.  He also kept a bat and wasp spray right by the door on a shelf insisting that “wasp stuff” will blind someone long enough for you to grab the gun and shoot them. 

Buddy and I quickly became somewhat of a “local sensation” at the local Taco Bell as he rode in the car with me every afternoon when I went to get a Baja Blast Mountain Dew. The employees fawned over Buddy hanging out of my sunroof so much that I got free Baja Mountain Dew and Buddy got free doggo Taco Bell meatballs. Buddy just loved riding in the car SO MUCH and Gideon did not get out and about nearly as much as Buddy wanted to go for car rides. So, it worked out well for us all. Never underestimate the currency having an adorable dog in tow brings you in this life.

Gideon was extremely organized and orderly; some might even say a tad OCD in this respect.  But it came from his training as a marine.  He liked all of the dishes to go in the cabinet a certain way, all of the silverware to be in their respective slot in the drawer tray, the dishwasher to be loaded a very specific way and everything to be kept <generally> orderly in the home.  I’m gonna own it right here and now, Fam: this was a NEW way of living for me.  I’d been a chaotic mess most of my life with the occasional forced cleaning bender once a month.  But what I discovered in adopting this kind of daily, organized living was that my own internal chaos and anxiety was, in fact, calmed by having an orderly, uncluttered home maintained with conscientiousness and attention to details as well as following a routine.  What a revelation this was to me.  Sad, right? I know, I know…

To be fair, I suffer from actually diagnosed OCD as well - only mine manifests as germaphobia.  Prior to the pandemic, I had been wearing sterile gloves in public for 10 years. So when the Pandemic hit and many chose to wear masks and sterile gloves I often quipped: “It’s like I’ve been training for this my whole life.” So perhaps my own OCD was also soothed by having everything properly clean and orderly.  I know both manifestations of OCD, his and mine, can be taken to a disordered extreme - but ours were not, fortunately.  I don’t have to wash and rewash my hands or common surfaces 100x etc.  Wearing gloves everywhere in public to touch common surfaces and then washing them when I got home and using sanitizer thereafter is sufficient to satisfy my own OCD.  One would THINK that a diagnosed OCD germaphone would have not fared well during the Pandemic and I likely would not have had I not had a steady supply of masks and gloves and sanitizer sent to me by Fam on Reddit.      

And in learning ALL OF THESE THINGS from my time with Gideon of how to protect myself PHYSICALLY from that lunatic landlord stalkerAND keep an organized, orderly home - this all helped me measurably mentally be able to process all the trauma that monster in STL had caused me.  For in taking control of  my own personal safety and learning how to defend against an attack and how to use a gun, if need be, my constant hypervigilance FINALLY disappeared.  I could calm down because I knew that if the crazed stalker were to come at me again physically NOW - this time it WILL end very differently for him. Also, knowing that I had both Gideon and Buddy to defend against him, too, both of who would smash the monstrous predator to stubble should he happen to show up uninvited - all of these things helped calm my previously unrelenting panic attacks. And in curing the panic attacks and the constant hypervigilance, I slowly regained my (formerly) shattered sense of self and relearned how to occupy space in this World with confidence and courage again.  For I now know how to break his nose and gash out his eyeballs in under two seconds and then get the gun and shoot to kill him, if need be.  So my stalker’s demented former threats grew more distant in my mind and I was FINALLY able to heal from that unspeakable trauma that monster caused me to endure.  Yes, Country-living was indeed good to me.  And, it was so beautiful there at nighttime amidst all the stars and I loved having chickens for the first time in my life.  Fresh, organic eggs for breakfast every morning from the backyard chickens was something I wanted to become accustomed to in any “future life” I could imagine for myself.

And that’s just it: living there with Gideon and beginning to write Draft 1 of this Memoir allowed me space to begin to imagine what a future for me might look like.  I had not thought about “future planning” since my Dad died and took most of my heart with him.  But now it seemed like those lyrics in that cheesy 90s song just might be true after all: “My heart maybe could find a way to go on” without my Dad….and without Ernestine, too. Some day. Some way….    

FINANCES:  Back in February 2021 while living at the Springfield hotel, I filed for Disability.  My health warranted it at the time due to post-COVID complications, all of my documented disabilities from the assault AND my Huntington’s Disease - which is an automatically qualifying condition under Social Security Disability Rules.  That is helpful but it by no means the  process will be expeditious. In fact, it means that it will likely take 2 years to be approved instead of 5-7 years.  Given the added backlog of the Lockdowns and the Pandemic? Who knows when that might ever come through for me.  

Additionally, it was NOW a full year since IDES was slammed down shut by Governor Pritzker due to massive Pandemic Unemployment fraud in the billions in IL and my LEGITIMATE PANDEMIC CLAIM of over $17,000.00 still had never processed from IDES; and I could NEVER get through to the Call Center to find out why.  It was by now a full year later from when I originally filed my pandemic unemployment claim; and sadly, at some point, you just gotta come to terms with the fact that Illinois is a fully failed State in terms of all government agencies and any assistance they are charged with rendering SIMPLY WILL NOT HAPPEN- and you just move on from ever hoping to receive it.  What else can you do? You cannot make them do the job they <should have done> a full year earlier. This entire Pandemic my running internal mental refrain to IL agencies charged with helping people was: “You do realize that doing your job is actually PART OF your job, don’t you?” Yes, I know, Republican government States were much more atrociously managed during the Pandemic.  Nevertheless, it is still infuriating that my $17,000 IDES claim had STILL never processed a full year later after my first application for Pandemic benefits - and likely never would. Illinois under Governor Pritzker: a fully failed State, indeed. 

And it is critical to point out that so many other people did not have the truly miraculous “internet Family of kind strangers helping” that I did at this point in the Pandemic - when every level of the Illinois government failed them during the Pandemic.  As a result, it’s no exaggeration to say that countless (and uncounted) people died needlessly as a result of these systemic government agency failures in Illinois.  That’s inexcusable and unconscionable.  A failure of leadership of this magnitude is simply unthinkable. But that’s just it: literally NOBODY is asking the bottom half of the economic ladder how they made it through this unmoored, slow-motion catastrophe in Illinois specifically, or America, more generally.  Because nobody cares about the poor people in America.  We simply do not count, have a voice nor do we get a seat at the table where such catastrophic decisions are made.      

I should mention the reminder here that I was only able to even move here and pay two months rent upfront to rent from Gideon because I had received my Biden Stimulus Check that month of April 2021. And almost all of it went to securing my housing for the two months of April and May 2021.  Also: the kind internet strangers from Reddit sent me sheets and pillows for my bed at Gideon’s, matching curtains, some favorite groceries and some kitchen gadgets that were lacking at Gideon’s.  I will forever be thankful to all of those fellow Redditors of the r/homeless subreddit who cheered with me as they realized I found housing exactly how they all predicted I eventually would - because it was how they did it: by doing it on my own OUTSIDE OF THE BROKEN HOUSING/HOMELESS GOVERNMENT SYSTEM that is just rife with corruption and grift by so many different profiteering nonprofits which never effectively help anyone ever. 

But realizing I had no source of monthly income and had only paid two (2) months rent upfront to Gideon, I immediately filed for LOCAL Rental Assistance  to pay for FUTURE MONTHS RENT almost as soon as I was all moved into his place. Because I was adversely impacted by COVID19 in housing, I was entitled to receive rental assistance for future housing.  Remember, at the hotel I just left, I had an agreed upon “flat monthly rate of $650.00” and I had to invoke the “Eviction Moratorium” (which included hotels in IL) for the five (5) months I lived there and healed and rehabbed there.  But then when the new, miscreant manager took over in April 2021, he and his hoodrat employees then engaged in a fully illegal “shakedown” of everyone staying there and demanded cash for all monies owed immediately or be jailed.  This was full-tilt illegal under Illinois law - and I knew it - but I never stay where <criminal, not law abiding, uncivilized> people are suddenly threatening me with physical violence and unlawful police brutality, if I remain.  So I left there to move to Gideon’s.  

But I applied for this local Rental Assistance almost immediately upon securing this housing with Gideon precisely because I had heard it can take FOREVER to process such paperwork. How should I know? I never needed Rental Assistance before in my life.  And it was when I received a 22 Page Application wanting to know every detail about my life in order to receive <only maybe> UP TO $500 from the local County Rental Assistance that I realized why so many simply do not avail themselves of the “housing HUD/Section 8 process” nor the “local rental assistance process.” Because “that process” is just too invasive, intrusive, demoralizing, dehumanizing and disturbing for words.  There is literally no way someone needs all of your information SINCE BIRTH just to give you a mere $500.00 to make rent next month.  But the County Township did demand ALL OF THIS INFO to apply for the Rental Assistance; and so I completed it all against my better judgment.  

Why was I so dead set against this Program and this Process?  Because I had already been the victim of massive identity theft by the bad actor, psychopathic slumlord in STL; and given all of the “security breaches” government Agencies have on the daily nowadays in America and specifically in IL (the IL Attorney General’s Office had a massive one that Spring 2021 of which my personal information was involved), I felt it overly burdensome and unduly cumbersome and entirely unwarranted for the pittance I was entitled to receive.  I wasn’t asking for $15,000 FUTURE RENT.  And local County Township made it abundantly clear they only paid 1 month rent MAXIMUM, if they approved you at all for assistance.  My issue is this: If a mere $500.00 will help keep someone housed for 90 days TOTAL while they work to figure out a longer term financial/housing plan, just give them the stupid money.  It’s not hard.  There is just no political will to actually help the unhoused or housing insecure because these are NEVER hot button issues that are ever raised during any political candidate’s campaign.  Do better please, America. Demand better from our elected leaders and insist that our unhoused neighbors and those who are housing insecure get every available resource to help restabilize their life. 

I did receive the Rental Assistance to pay for June 2021 but it took nearly 93 days to process; so again, I was so grateful for Reddit’s Wisdom on this topic and so glad I started the process in the first week of April 2021 when I did.  That is patently absurd and a failure of local and State government at every level - especially when local governments in small town(s) Illinois were flush with State Pandemic funds in 2021.  If someone unhoused - by some fluke of luck in this life - manages to find a path forward in safe housing - the government should not throw massive roadblocks, impediments, unnecessary requirements and intentional delays into the process of helping them to attain or remain housed.  Also, the government needs to issue these rental checks directly to the lawful tenant (after they produce a valid Lease Agreement) because our government literally has ZERO CLUE just how many bad actor landlords are out there who will take such a rental assistance rent check and evict or illegally toss the tenant out ANYWAY in order to DOUBLE BILL on their rental income for their unit(s).  Fortunately for me in this instance, Gideon was an honest man who did right by me financially at almost every turn.  But I am here to testify that by giving it to the landlords, the government is doing “tenant rental assistance” all WRONG and leaving the door wide open for the theft of State funds by criminal/bad actor landlords.  CLOSE THIS GAP.  Give the rental assistance money directly to the tenants; that way, if something happens to the housing arrangement - the tenant AT LEAST still has the housing funds to find a new rental without having to reapply and wait ANOTHER 93 days for a mere $500.00. 

   But I have always said that the good PEOPLE Of ILLINOIS, who by and large are true salt of the Earth type people, are Illinois’ greatest asset.  At every turn when there is no system in place to help those most in need - even before the Pandemic and my own sudden reversal of fortune and dire straits occurred - I routinely watched the good people of Springfield IL when I first moved there always helping each other out when one of them was in need and they did so effortlessly and without judgment.  I enjoyed meeting people in Springfield by being able to help other people back then, too.  And even back then - the good people of Springfield IL helped me right back. I recall buying a desk for my apartment from Facebook Marketplace and not only did the lovely couple deliver it to my living room free of charge with their truck; they also refused to take the $20 they had been asking for the desk on Marketplace.  But that’s just how the people of Springfield IL ARE towards one another.  And it is very refreshing to behold.  

But by now it was Summer 2021 and ANOTHER need I had was that Autumn and Winter had merged into Summer and I had NO SUMMER CLOTHES and no money to buy any.  I called local thrift stores and churches and literally EVERYONE TURNED ME DOWN - still citing the now defunct CDC recommendation of not taking in used clothing/fabric during the Pandemic.  It was a total nightmare to try and manage these repetitive crises with the ongoing pandemic and the CDC giving ultimately nonsensical and often contradictory declarations in too many instances. 

Enter stage left: a heroine from Springfield, Illinois.  I saw an ad on Facebook Marketplace for women’s Summer clothing in my size.  I told her a little bit about how I had come to have NO CLOTHES for Summer 2021 and she told me to come right over.  I was full-tilt unprepared for what this wonderful lady did for me.  She invited me into her home (yeah, folks do that in small town Illinois and I absolutely LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU FOR IT WHO DO SO)  and she told me to take anything that would fit me from any of the three closets in the back of her house.  

I’m sorry, what did you just tell me to do, maam? 

Did you just say I could lawfully “raid your THREE (s) overstuffed closets and take anything that would fit me or that I wanted/needed?” 

Who ARE YOU, miracle of miracles in my life, and where did you come from? No seriously - there are literally NO WORDS for the people out there in the World who do things like this compassion-filled gesture for others without thinking they are doing much of anything special at all.  Why? Because THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY and those kind people are living proof that there is still more good in this World than bad.   So for all the curmudgeons that like to insist that evil has won the day - to you I say “No way! That’s just not true at all -even today.”   

If by chance you are reading this Memoir of mine, kind lady who helped me -  know that I absolutely remember what you did for me that Summer and I will never forget your kindness and generosity for as long as I live. And please also know that as soon as I get to where I’m going in my as yet unknown FUTURE LIFE, I will absolutely pay it forward and help someone else in the same beautiful way that you helped me that day.  

Those clothes you gave to me were SO MUCH MORE than just clothes on my back: they gave me a sense of normalcy again, a sense of rebuilding, a sense of regaining some of what was lost, a renewed sense and a BIG REMINDER that good people doing good things DO still exist in this Country and our State of Illinois- in spite of all the bad I also bore witness to that year. Those clothes may have been just a bunch of extra “will never wear clothes” to YOU - but they were EVERYTHING TO ME for so many different reasons.  

Most of the clothes she pointed me to in the closets were NEW, never worn and still had Macy’s and Kohl’s tags on the collars.  I asked her “Are you sure?” And she said “I have enough clothing to clothe an entire female army. And then some. Seriously - those closets are everything I DO NOT ever wear so take whatever you want.  So I began silently crying in complete muted gratitude for this unexpected blessing and making a pile of clothes on the bed.  As I got them all picked up and into my car she called me back inside.  She had packed up 5 big boxes of Autumn/Winter clothes for me while I was going through the Summer clothes - including Autumn/Winter shoes, coats and leggings and had it all boxed up for me to take with me, too.  

Now, no longer hiding my crying, all I could do was hug her and keep repeating “thank you, thank you, thank you thank you, thank you, thank you….” 

 At the end of June 2021, Gideon mentioned that he was going to take a road trip with some guy friends for camping and cookouts in the Missouri Ozarks - leaving the next day - to celebrate  the 4th of July weekend. He asked me if I would be alright watching the house and pet sitting for Buddy.  I told him sure.  I was, frankly, overjoyed and privately SO RELIEVED he was getting out again OF HIS OWN ACCORD without me trying to talk him into it.  I saw this as a good sign that perhaps his grief was finally lifting.   He still was a HARD NO on ever going near “that bathtub” in his master bedroom ever again but that was just fine with me. Baby steps.  He’d get there, I reasoned.  One day….

It IS worth mentioning that in the three (3) months I had spent living with Gideon, he never did anything untoward or remotely inappropriate towards me -  which was obviously such a HUGE relief to me.  He kept to his “strictly platonic roommate only” intent and promise fully and I was so glad for that.  I have no interest in anyone ROMANTICALLY and did not want to risk offending Gideon had he asked for more and I had to decline.  He never once came into my rented room uninvited (it’s actually against the law and he knew that) but there is no shortage of loser landlords who literally don’t care what the law is as they think it simply does not apply to them.  And in a disappointing reality for most American tenants, lawless landlords are largely right in that assumption.  And such an unequal landscape between landlords and tenants in America leaves the door wide open for such bad actor landlords to do the things mine did to me in St. Louis - under full cover of law - and without consequence.  This MUST change, America.  Immediately.   

But I did enjoy Gideon’s company and found him to be an amiable housemate and we both loved Buddy immensely.  Dinners together were certainly better than every dinner alone in my hotel room(s) had ever been for the past 2 years; and our weekly outings for different activities were always a good time. I observed him to be peaceful, respectful, funny and intelligent.  As mentioned previously, he taught me so many new things about life on a farm, self-defense and self-protection etc and I, in turn, taught him several things in return.  He was a man of his word, a proud man but a man of valor and honor and someone who was 100% reliable and dependable.  If he said he was going to do something - you could set your watch by it.  I am the same way in terms of appointments and commitments and giving people my word and always honoring my promises etc  I mention this only because  if YOU are this kind of person - you will note that our ilk are getting harder and harder to find as we age out and become extinct.  

   Nobody is perfect and if I had to pick one thing about Gideon that was off-putting it was the way that he allowed the news to so deeply anger and infuriate him on the daily.  I often got the sense that Gideon wanted me to argue politics with him. But I simply refused.  And that’s the thing about politics in Downstate IL:  most people will take your silence on their running political commentary to mean agreement with them.  Why did I refuse to argue every imagined political personal affront with Gideon? Because we have become so politically polarized as a Country that most people end up in a screaming match (or worse) if they discuss politics nowadays in America; and, if they ALSO  happen to come from opposite sides of the political divide. 

And that’s the thing about me: politically I am largely a round peg trying to fit into a square space which means I don’t really fit in anywhere FULLY.  I agree with the Democrats on some things but agree with Republicans on others.  Well, the Republican and Democratic Parties of the 1960s are who I would say I align with on issues - as BOTH parties have become too extreme in their rhetoric for my liking nowadays.  Because the Republican Party TODAY is just full tilt grievance politics and the Democrats are not nicknamed “do nothings” for nothing.  So often I see things happen and think: where is the outrage? Why are Democrats so incapable of an intelligent, unified response or position on almost any topic?  I simply don’t have time for ANY of it.  I have too many pressing National and Illinois State social issues I work on and need to get corrected to trifle with those uninvested in actually working to change America - so that America can become a Country that works for ALL of us - not just the top 10% Billionaire Class.    

During the time while Gideon was away on his July 4th weekend, I worked on some house projects like shelf paper and cleaning things that are rarely cleaned all while attempting to work on my First Draft of this Memoir.  I had not heard from Gideon the entire time he was gone; but there were no issues to report and I knew I could contact him if needed.  I wanted him to relax and enjoy himself while he was having fun with his friends so I assumed his lack of contact meant he was having a fine time.  He had also left the phone number of a local guy friend of his named Edward there in the immediate Springfield area “just in case. ” 

And thus and so, that week/weekend  he was gone was largely uneventful until a tornado hit on July 3, 2021 in Springfield IL.  I am from Tornado Alley in MO & IL and storms tend to not cause me any alarm.  And as I recall that day, I remember that the sky was spectacularly sunny - until it abruptly wasn’t sunny AT ALL that afternoon - and had turned an alarming shade of greenish black.  And just like that - a major tornado hit our immediate area.  I grabbed Buddy and went and sat in the bathtub “just in case” while mostly ignoring the near-constant “take shelter now” alerts buzzing incessantly on my phone. There was no basement in the house so the bathtub was the next best hidey hole for us to be in, I reasoned.  I honestly only sat in the bathtub to protect Buddy “just in case”; as I have lived through countless tornados in my day and they never harmed a hair on my head.  At one point, Buddy started trying to burrow under me and was whining significantly so I grabbed a sleeping bag from Gideon’s closet and covered us fully together with it in the bathtub.  That seemed to mollify Buddy as he stopped crying and was happily kissing my face after each Pupperoni I gave to him to help soothe him.  

Finally, when the coast seemed clear and my phone had stopped buzzing every 2 minutes with new warnings, Buddy and I were just exiting the bathroom when I heard someone screaming.  Like the wails of someone being murdered type screaming…  

What in the world?

Instantly Buddy was at the front door and barking incessantly to go outside.  So we did.  And it was then that I saw our next door neighbors on their knees sobbing uncontrollably - for their entire house was just GONE and all of their belongings strewn all over OUR YARD and beyond.  

Ok, by this point in July 2021, some truly next level bonkers bad things had happened to me during this cursed Pandemic; but I was fully unprepared for this sudden stark reality: Gideon’s house where I had been with Buddy was fully fine while the neighbor’s house RIGHT NEXT DOOR - mere feet from Gideon’s house? They had suffered a total loss.  What do you even say….? There are no words for a moment such as this….

I found some picture frames of theirs in the driveway  and began wiping them down with a clean towel and collecting them altogether as I approached the neighbors. They were an older couple, roughly Gideon’s age (65ish) and from everything I knew - very lovely people.  They often saw me walking Buddy through the neighborhood and would wave and sometimes even pet Buddy. How could such a thing as this even happen? It seemed a giant old oak tree fell, demolishing most of their house; and what remained of their house after that was simply blown away by the force of the tornado.  

I walked up to the wife Elizabeth and she just collapsed into my arms.  Buddy started crying again as he could “sense” something was very wrong with his friends.   I asked them if I could help them collect what remained of their belongings and offered to let them put what we salvaged in Gideon’s enclosed front porch.  They seemed unbearably grateful.  So for the next several hours that’s just what we did and some other immediate neighbors came to help us.  

At dark, I asked if they wanted to come inside for dinner or a drink.  They did.  I made a frozen pizza and tossed a salad while they mostly silently drank the Irish Whiskey I had that I offered them.  I don’t drink but I do keep my bottle of Ballyhoo around to remind me of my Dad.  And it seemed to be helping attenuate their tragic despair - if only marginally so.  

They just kept repeatedly asking: “Why US? Why us when all the other houses around us stand still fully fine?  Why us?”  There is no answer for such an on point question as that.  So all I could do was shrug sadly and keep pouring the whiskey.   I offered them the pullout couch in the living room to sleep for the night while they made a plan for….the rest of their lives elsewhere….They did stay and Buddy slept between them, I think in an effort to try and comfort them. And that was a GOOD thing in my estimation - for if anyone knew what a comfort Buddy really was to have around you - it was me.  

But the next morning when I woke, Buddy was in bed with me and the neighbors were just GONE…as were their things from the porch and their pickup truck.  How terribly tragic and sad.  To this day, I have never seen nor spoken with them again; but I carry them and that day with me in my heart - hoping and praying that they were able to rebuild somewhere new.  

But that next morning following the tornado, I called Gideon and told him what had happened.  He said he would send his friend Ed around that afternoon to BE SURE his house had sustained no damage.   That seemed reasonable.  I’m no house inspector but his home LOOKED intact and okay to me.  Ed came and looked all around and spoke of how he could not believe how close we were to TOTAL CALAMITY right next door and he was so thankful Buddy and I were okay.  I told him we hid in the bathtub but only because Buddy insisted and Ed just laughed and said: “Gideon said you really love and care for his Buddy.”  

Some time later, I got a text from Gideon telling me he would be home the next day. I said okay.  I kept reassuring him that Buddy and his house were totally fine but he said he had planned to return on Tuesday anyway so one less day would not matter. 

WHAT CAME NEXT was as shocking to me as the pinpoint precision damage done to ONLY our neighbor’s home during the tornado had been.  Gideon returned home with a woman 20 years younger than he was and with her 4 aggressive breed dogs in tow.  To live TWO ADULTS and a doggo in a 2 bedroom, modest home with 1 shared bath (due to the inaccessibility of the master bath with his deceased wife incident) was one thing; to try and make same work with now three (3) adults and FIVE dogs - 4 of whom were aggressive and poorly trained was purely untenable.       

Now, to be clear, I do NOT say “aggressive breed dogs” just because her dogs are labeled as aggressive breed dogs.  I say this because the minute two of them laid eyes on Buddy they both charged Buddy and caused a deep open bite wound on Buddy.  And everything just went terribly downhill from there…

Gideon had mysteriously left home a man of sound mind and moral judgment but returned home a gullible gronk, punch drunk on puppy love - and not for Buddy.  He actually BELIEVED this backwoods hillbilly woman from Missouri Ozark Country truly loved him; when the reality was her own parents were evicting her because of her aggressive and malicious dogs and she was on the brink of homelessness herself.  So at a bar in the Ozarks she found homeowner Gideon and decided to make him her man so she could secure HER HOUSING and that for her dogs into the future.

This is an important point to delineate: this is WHY there are always seemingly more homeless MEN than women; because generally MOST women will land a man in order to secure THEIR housing vs end up street homeless - especially if they are still young enough to pull it off on an older, unsuspecting mark who was vulnerable from grief.  Guys are less willing to bed whoever they need to bed just to secure 4 walls around themselves than women are.  And make no mistake: this woman was days from street homelessness herself when she landed upon a drunk Gideon in that Missouri Ozark bar.       

And right off the bat she deemed me a threat TO HER and told Gideon I had to go. I think she assumed Gideon and I dated/had sex OR that I was trying to achieve that status with him so she made it her mission to make my life there suddenly and inexplicably hostile and unhappy.   She asserted her turf instantly and Gideon just looked at me pathetically and asked meekly “Could you maybe see about finding another place to live?” as he steadfastly refused to make eye contact with me…Just wow.

I locked myself in my bedroom and proceeded to hear Buddy cry out several more times as the dogs continuously attacked him that night.  I wanted to cry myself to sleep drinking my Irish Whiskey that night - but I didn’t.  I resolved to talk to Gideon AWAY FROM THE WOMAN who I nicknamed “Trolly” (think: trollop and you’ll understand WHY) and talk some sense into him.     

So the next morning, I went looking for Gideon only to find Buddy cowering in the corner under an end table NOW IN A SHOCK COLLAR.  I looked at Gideon incredulously and he said “Trollop says it’s what Buddy needs.”   I started to tell him that if he was going to allow her to abuse his dog, I would leave immediately.  Turns out - that wasn’t really a threat but more of a hoped-for promise to Gideon’s then-mindset.  For he replied: “That would actually be helpful as it might get super awkward here for you being like the third wheel on our honeymoon.” 

Wait…what?? Honeymoon? He actually married this trollop?

About this time, Trolly emerged from their bedroom flashing her new wedding ring and said “Yes we’re married - you jealous?”  

Um, no, actually - JEALOUSY was not what I would ever feel in this situation. Disbelief at Gideon’s sheer stupidity.  Shock, Stunned, Incredulous.  But no honey - never jealous. 

I left the house and contemplated my immediate alternative housing options which were NONE.  I returned that night hopeful to work it out with Gideon only to walk in the house and find them naked in his recliner together and two UNCHAINED aggressive dogs lunging at me.  I dipped into my bedroom and locked the door.  

Okay - so CLEARLY remaining there was not going to be possible under any scenario or  agreement.   I had hoped SHE might get over her screaming jelousy of me and we could all work it out like adults SHOULD in such a scenario.  The problem was - I was now dealing with the male equivalent of an adolescent hormonal boy and a she-devil who very much resented my presence in her newly PURCHASED (hey buy the ticket, take the ride) home with her new husband.  A shrewd, opportunist would applaud her ability to swoop in while Gideon was a) still grieving his wife and b) drunk in a bar far from his home - in order to secure herself the home and the truck the man had for her and her 4 dogs who were facing imminent homelessness from her own parents.  I found that factoid from Gideon himself.  He sent me a lame version of an apology their third day back at home saying: “She had nowhere else to go with her dogs because her parents really were kicking all of them out, I spoke with them, and I felt sorry for her and am hopeful the dogs will eventually all get along with Buddy.”  I responded: “Buddy is currently hiding while being forced into a shock collar nursing open bite wounds.  I don’t know how well your HOPES for this domestic scene are actually going to play out here, Gideon.”  After that, he refused to speak to me at all anymore as did the Trolly.

So I started searching Reddit as I’m inclined to do when my world - AGAIN - inexplicably falls apart resulting in yet ANOTHER housing crisis FOR ME.  And someone on Reddit suggested I try Craigslist for another room rental.  I know, I know - it’s full of freaks, scammers and human traffickers but honestly - at that point - what other GOOD options did I have? It didn’t cost anything to just LOOK at Craigslist, I reasoned…  

And so I began to peruse the local housing/rooms for rent online on Craigslist in July 2021.  And there I found an elderly WOMAN seeking a housemate.  She was 79 years old and (hopefully) unlikely to go off and return inexplicably MARRIED - so I agreed to meet with her.  She did not live in Springfield IL although her rental ad was placed there.  She lived in Decatur IL which was about 45 minutes away. She seemed actually perfectly charming and kind over the phone.  I told her I was a writer working on my first book - a Pandemic Memori - and she said she could not wait to meet me as she loved to fill her considerable home with artists, writers, professors, doctors and all sorts of interesting people.  I was enthused.  She seemed so, so utterly sweet and intelligent and even - whimsical, if a tad eccentric, too, over the phone.  When she mentioned she had two kitties in residence in her home, also, I almost started crying.  For I missed my two cherished felines so much and that was a near-constant ache from which I will just likely never recover.  When your own drug-addict niece kills your cherished felines while you lay dying in the hospital ICU of COVID, you have to eventually come to terms with the fact that there are some things in this life that are just so ghastly and traumatic that we just don’t get over them.  And I still miss my cats every single day. So that fact that this woman stated that she also loved cats seemed encouraging to me.   

So that next day on a Sunday I took a short trip to visit her and see the room in Decatur IL and as I pulled up to the address designated by my GPS as THE correct address, I immediately was devastated that it was an obvious scam.  Because the house my GPS sent me to based on the address she gave to me on the phone was in a gated type secluded enclave and the house was a Tudor estate type home with a circle drive etc.  And just as I was getting back in my car to leave, a tall black man emerged from the front door and said “Madam is awaiting your arrival.  Please come in…”

Wait - this WASN’T A SCAM? This actually WAS the house with a room for rent for $625/mth? As my foot crossed the threshold of the stately front door, the black man - who by the way never introduced himself - just seemed to disappear into the woodwork of the large home.  And so I was left standing in the foyer wondering what exactly I was supposed to do: wait for her, go find her, text her on my phone…etc And just as I was about to text her,  movement in my peripheral left eye caught my attention and I looked up the staircase.

And there she was with long flowing platinum blonde hair, bright red stained surgically enhanced lips, dressed in a floor length formal gown with attached trestle and train, stilettos and about 50 lbs of pearls around her neck.  She was a vision to behold indeed.  And yet, I precisely remember thinking, as she stood on the landing building dramatic effect before her descent down the stairs towards me: how odd it was that on such a bright sun-shining day of July, there was a huge glass window right behind her on that same landing she was standing upon -  and yet, she quite literally blocked out the sun…  

  

UP NEXT: CHAPTER 6 “DEAD END AT DEVILS LANE DRIVE”